Don’t tell your children these words

This article is not a guide. I also don’t want to tell you how you should bring up your children. I only desire to convince you to delete two words from your dictionary. Polite and rude. These are the most popular words parents use talking to children. We can hear them everywhere, on playgrounds, in restaurants, at schools and everyday in our apartments. At first glance, these are normal words which were used by our grandparents, parents, teachers and even Santa Claus when we were young. I also used to tell my boy: “be polite in the kindergarten today” or “don’t be rude when we will be at grandma’s”. These sentences are understandable for adults, but what is like when it comes to children? How do they interpret it? What do “polite” and “rude” mean actually?

Be polite and don’t be rude

If we asked someone to define these words, we would be surprised. Most adults cannot explain what they mean by telling children “be polite” or “don’t be rude”. For my sake, I looked it up in a dictionary.

“Polite: About children: obedient and calm”

“Rude: About children: disobedient”

My first thought was that it is about a pet. Do we really want to have children who do everything what we expect? Most parents dream about it. If a child is obedient, calm and manageable, then she/he is polite and parents have stressless parenting.

When do we use these collocations? Usually, when children have a new idea, an opinion of something or someone, when they do something against a parents’ decision, when they want to play a little longer, when they don’t like eating something or they simply don’t like someone. How to raise a child for a brave and independent person if she/he has to do what parents anticipate?

On the other hand, we should put ourselves in children’s shoes. There are a few things which we “kill” by those words and pieces of advice on what we can do to avoid many mistakes.

Creativity

If children do everything as parents require, they don’t have their own opinion and notions. They don’t have to play football like their father, draw like their mother or behave like a “polite” neighbour’s son. Creativity will just evaporate. They will not do anything that they want to do, they will do what their parents expect.

Openness

A child bottles feelings up if she/he is compared to another child. We should avoid sentences like: “Look at your sister, she is so polite. You have to be like her”, “Your neighbour is younger than you, but he can bike. Why can’t you?”

In that way, a child is withdrawn from society because of fear of comparison. Moreover, a child usually wants to impress parents and shows how “polite” she/he is, thereby a child doesn’t talk about any problems she/he has to face.

Effort

As parents, we have to notice our children’s efforts. For instance, when we are at a birthday party where are many children and our daughter is enjoying time with others. She is sharing toys with girls, despite she is an only child. After the party, we should tell her that we have noticed her behaviour and describe to her what we have noticed. We shouldn’t tell her: “you were well-behaved”. On the other hand, if she hadn’t shared toys with others and she had been aggressive, we should have explained to her what was wrong. We can’t just say: “Your behaviour was unacceptable”. A child doesn’t know what it means. Every mistake which was discussed doesn’t stigmatize your child. If we emphasize that we see all efforts, our child will be encouraged to try something again. If your son spilt water on his painting, just tell him: “nothing happened, let’s try again”. Then he knows that he will not disappoint us in any way.

Needs

As we know, needs are limitless, however, parents have to listen to their children. Why can’t we paint a child’s room as she/he wants? Why do we forbid children from wearing what they want? We even choose a hairstyle for them. It is cruel, isn’t it? If we raise children in that way, they will be focused on fulfilling parents’ requirements, not theirs. They will believe that their needs are secondary. Furthermore, in adulthood, they will think about their parents’ opinions before every decision they will have to make. As parents, we should let children make simple decisions.

Expression

A child usually hears that she/he is rude when expressing emotions in a way which parents don’t like. We can observe the same situation when a child objects to decisions made by parents. Adults should consider children’s ideas and treat them seriously, otherwise, they will have problems in the future. Firstly, they will be afraid of making decisions related to their relationship. Furthermore, they will never go against their bosses at work. They will believe that they are obliged to listen to others, which will make them idle.

Change your perspective

Do you tell your partner that he is polite today? Do you tell your wife that she is rude? We rather avoid these words talking with adults. Why do we love using them when it comes to children? I suppose it is simply manipulation. I even dare to say that in some cases it is gaslighting. Adults dream about a “polite” child because they want to indulge themselves, and they try to manipulate a child for their own comfort. What if we will change our point of view and start treating children equally? We must put ourselves in children’s shoes and understand that children are humans and they also have feelings, emotions and needs as we have.

By and large

I know that it is easier said than done, but we can just try to abandon these two words “polite” and “rude” regarding our children. It is time to start thinking about children as human beings and stop dividing them into two categories, “polite” and “rude”. It would take much time, but after all, we will appreciate our efforts, and what is crucial, our children will be happier. They will feel that their voice matters, that they are members of families, and last but not least, they will be prepared for adulthood.